When to Date after Loss of a Spouse or Partner
Dating Someone After the Loss of a Spouse, Significant Other, Partner
A Grief Counselor in Orange County CA Weighs In
One of the most common experiences that emerge with clients and friends who have lost a spouse or partner is the suggestion by a family member or friend to find someone new to date.
“You’re Young- you’ll find a new person to love.”
“Life isn’t over. You’ll meet someone else.”
“What do you think about online dating?”
The thought of entertaining a new love generally sends many those grieving in a tail spin. Feelings of anger, embarrassment, hopelessness, betrayal emerge.
” How could they suggest such a thing! Do they know that I’m not at all looking for a new person? I can’t even imagine being with someone else!”
For many grievers, the idea seems absurd. It is especially difficult to conceive if the loss is recent, which I consider within 2 years. The level of attachment the widow/widower still has can be prominent.
Some grievers consider that even talking to someone who they consider attractive is a betrayal to the deceased. They feel guilty for considering the idea of being romantically involved with someone other than their significant other.
Other people just do not feel inclined to enter into a relationship when they are experiencing so many of the symptoms of grief. Encountering new feelings and experiences is inconceivable given that they are overwhelmed and overcome with cognitive impairment, emotional outbursts, sleepless nights and eating disturbances. They feel it would impair their ability to connect and that would not be fair to the new person. Overcome with thoughts and images of the deceased, there is no room for another person.
You do not have to apologize for that, or feel odd, or shamed if considering a new person in your life is not on your list of desires.
How can you possibly think about another love if you can’t even get out of bed some mornings, take a shower or go to work? How can you focus on a conversation over coffee when images of your love flood your brain and a crying spell comes on and leaves you a sobbing mess?
Here the grief “timeline” emerges- when is it too soon to consider dating a person after the death of a significant other?
This is up to the individual. There is no timeline. I’ve witnessed some clients date someone and marry within a year. Others not ever. Others in a few years. Some people feel like they will never be ready or willing.
That is how you feel and that is valid and respected. It is so highly personal and nuanced. Each griever has a history of personal experiences that had shaped the relationship prior to the loss. Some people knew the death was coming, it was expected in a certain amount of time due to an illness, others had the rug pulled out from under them due to an out of the blue heart attack, accident, or random act of violence. The events of the death, all of the details- they matter significantly and influence the griever. Religious beliefs, cultural norms, outside influences, internal thoughts and feelings are all factors. Each person will date or not date, be interested, somewhat interested, or have conflicting feelings about the subject entirely.
What does one do? How do you decide if you are ready?
What can be helpful is reminding yourself to grant yourself self-compassion. Allow yourself to feel all of the feelings- confusion, sadness, surprise- whatever they are. Show yourself grace either way. You are not betraying the deceased if there is a part of you that wants to connect with a potential love interest. You are human, after all. Remind your friends or family members that you have your own timing, whatever that is, and forgive them if they are wanting you to find love at a pace that doesn’t fit. You may want to do a ritual like light a candle, go on a walk in nature, plant a flower, whatever allows you to come back to honoring you as you are now, the love that you and your partner had, and whatever your future you may choose for yourself.
Remind yourself that you are doing your best to adjust, to cope, and to live your now altered life. And whatever comes your way, you will handle it in a way that is true to you. If this is overwhelming to you, don’t hesitate to reach out to me, Anne Marie Ruta Buchanan for support.