Grief and Managing Distressing News
Traumatic Events and Grief- The Minneapolis School Shooting
Thoughts about the thoughts and feelings hearing devastating information
My friend brought up the tragic school shooting that happened in a quiet neighborhood in Minneapolis yesterday. She mentioned that she was physically sick to her stomach and heartbroken after hearing the news, and asked me, “What do you do when you hear about a shocking event such as this?”
She was asking me as a friend and as a grief specialist, but I had to take a minute to think about how I was going to answer her.
With my therapist hat off, I told her how I went about my day after being informed around 8:30a.
I too felt ill and shaky. Feelings of loss, sadness and disbelief rose, and I felt the need to check on the safety of some vulnerable family members. Discussing some of the story to others felt comforting, like I was not alone in the horror. I took my dog for a walk, focused on the beautiful breeze, took in the trees and sky, and let the feelings run through me.
I started getting images of my own children, now young adults, who went to a similar school, and felt grateful that they did not have to experience the risk of simply going to school every day. But I couldn’t hold back the thoughts. It could have been them. I let those thoughts come too, and went back and forth between the nature on my walk and the thoughts-the fear of the students, teachers and everyone in that church, the parents of those who died and were injured, the thoughts of the young adult who went to that school as a child and then fired upon others and then herself. And her parents, who lost their child that day, and also learned that their child was responsible for the loss of other children’s lives. Simply horrible. I began to pray.
Given I had the responsibilities to my clients to come into work that day, I could not continue my walk and processing of feelings. I needed to begin to get to the office.
I began to shift my thought content on the present, on the tasks I had to do at work that day. Richard Diviney, retired commander who led training for Navy SEALS and author of the book,“The Attributes,” would refer to this as “looking for the horizon.” He explains that when soldiers are in battle, they focus on the very next task they need to do to survive or adhere to their mission, despite grueling conditions and catastrophic outcomes. What I had to do next was to get ready, go to the office, and see my client. After seeing that client, I focused on the next, and after that I went to a colleague to talk about the shooting to get support and treat myself to a nice cup of coffee.
After work I decided I needed to take some time to myself. I was fortunate to be able to put off a few tasks, have some lunch and conversation with my husband (social support), went into a pool and read a book. I then focused on the next activity, and then the next. As thoughts and feelings came up, I let them be there, feeling them, acknowledging the questions my brain was contriving to try to make sense, and allowed them to flow through me. This is how my day proceeded, and how I handled my own absorption of tragic information and my reaction.
It is difficult to know how to deal with your thoughts and feelings when you hear terrible news because each of us will assimilate that information through the lens of our past and current life experiences. Some people may not have been able refocus attention on other activities, may have pushed away the hard feelings and I have no judgment about that. But what I have found helpful?
1.Staying in present – what is happening currently right now in your environment? When we think about possibilities in the future, anxious thoughts can paint many unwelcome possible outcomes. When we look to the past, we may get bombarded with regret and resentment. The present, focusing on the safety of the hear and now (unless you are currently being threatened) the things and people you recognize now, will help decrease the perceived threats
2.Community- this could be family, group, religious or spiritual affiliation, neighborhood or city where you live. Here you may find others to be around to quell any sense of aloneness or isolation that may come up when grieving loss
3.Social support- friends, family, coworkers, colleagues, groups can help provide resources, compassion. Focusing on others may also provide relief from your own thoughts and feelings and ease anxiety
4. Acknowledgement of feelings- whatever they are, it helps to identify them as they emerge. Finding positive ways to express them can be therapeutic, and can be done through talking, writing, moving, drawing/painting, projects. I had a home improvement project that I had been putting off and I used it to focus on a feel the productive sense of accomplishment and relief upon it’s completion.
5. Addressing your needs- eating, sleeping, resting, moving- whatever your need
Hearing about heartbreaking stories of loss can be very difficult. Take the time you need to accept the reality and adjust to the next steps for you.
Sending compassion and care as you tend to yourself and others. As a grief and anxiety specialist, I am here to provide support with feelings from grief and loss.