Pet Loss- Grieving This Family Member
Grieving the Loss of a Pet - A Grief specialist in Orange County Ca reflects
Losing a pet can be one of the most difficult losses to face. I know people who have disclosed that to them the grief was more profound when losing their dog/cat than it was losing a parent. The bond we have with our animals is special and can be extremely intense. These animals gave us unconditional love that no words could measure. No wonder why that guttural sob is so raw and deep. These animals meant so much.
Grief from losing a pet is one of those things that can shake us to our core. For some people, it is a consistent partner in the the snow globe of everyday life. The ups and downs, joys and sorrows, stress and calm, losses and gains- those pets have been through it with us. They accept all of our moods, causing many- we laugh with (or at) them, they worry us, frustrate us, sadden us, confuse us, console us through all of the mundane and extraordinary events of our lives.
Losing a pet can be so hard because this grief can be a type of disenfranchised grief, defined as “grief that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned. It occurs when a society minimizes, fails to recognize or deems a loss unimportant, causing the griever to feel isolated and invalid.” Many people just don’t understand the deep sadness that we feel from losing the pet, and thinks we can just easily replace the pet to ease our sorrow. So instead of support and compassion, we get advice. “Why don’t you just go to the shelter and find another dog?” Well, I could, but I will still feel devastated over losing my pet, whom no matter what, cannot be replaced. And honestly for me, that would be too painful. So no, not now. Possibly not ever.
Another thing that makes pet loss so hard is how quickly animals can pass. With both of my most recent amazing, funny, smart, attentive, and at times exasperating dogs, they showed symptoms of illness and died within days or a week. I was shocked both times. Or, how about the heartbreaking reality of many pet owners that have to endure a pet death suddenly, like from a road incident or predator (cayotes are prevalent in my neighborhood). Assimilating this news and now having to deal with the cruel reality of your pet not there anymore can be shocking and possibly debilitating. The everyday expectations- Opening the front door and not being greeted enthusiastically (or ignored), leaving the doors to the house open instead of closing them or gating them off, leaving a half-eaten sandwich on the coffee table after running to get a quick beverage and still finding it there. These reminders of absence can bring on that aching feeling in your heart, that longing, those tears. Or other feelings of anger, fear, betrayal.
So, what can we do to help ourselves when we are grieving this loss?
1. Allow time and space to feel the feelings. Whatever that is like for you. For me, it as letting the tears flow when they did. Just because your pet was a pet and not a person does not mean you should take this lightly. Yes of course you knew that this death was inevitable and most animals have shorter lifespans. Does that knowledge make it any easier or less painful? No, absolutely not. Writing about them, talking about them, moving them, expressing them through art can be forms of expression other than talking .
2. Taking it easy- putting off the errands and tasks I could to just be. Making or getting food to eat. Drinking a nice cup of tea. Going for a walk instead of a run.
3. Being kind to yourself and loved ones who may also have lost. Remembering to use compassion because we all grieve differently. Some people are expressive and verbal, others more to themselves. There is no right way to grieve.
4. Make some kind of action/ritual to honor the pet. When my Jewels died, my friend bought me a statue of a dog that lights up. I kept that light on for a long time in remembrance and replaced the battery when needed. Looking at that light was comforting when looking at pictures was too hard. With my other dog Jade, my daughter made small pawprint art on canvas which I hang in a meaningful part of our home. She also gave me a jade-colored ring which I wear. Search the internet for ideas- no ritual is too small.
5. Seek comfort in those who understand. These can be people in your life, people online through literature or other types of support groups. Talk to the family or friends who will listen and be there for you. “Grief needs to be witnessed,” says grief specialist David Kessler.
6. Seek spiritual practices if you have beliefs that comfort and support you. A sacred text, prayer, meditation or spiritual ritual can sooth like a balm.
Remembering that grief goes with the love you have for your pet may help in knowing that you are ok to feel the intense feelings that can go with this loss. Pets give us so much and can add so much to our lives. Let us remember them with gratitude, warmth, and lots of love.